this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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