I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
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I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
the raccoons are back...
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