Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
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VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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