she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
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you are never too drunk for berry picking
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
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You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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