i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
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I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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You pole danced in your parka.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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