My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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