You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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