i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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