The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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