Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
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ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
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