He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
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I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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