I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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