My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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