I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
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When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
tell me about the eggs
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