one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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