my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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