Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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