Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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