i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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