We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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