I faked an abortion last night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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