Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize