The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
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Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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