Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
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AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
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Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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