I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
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Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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