Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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