Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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