In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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