I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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