I'm gonna have a badass scar
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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