You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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