Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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