My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This baby is an asshole
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
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I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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