when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize