I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
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He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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