Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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