Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
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Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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