I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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