Umm I'm too high to move.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize