she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
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I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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