Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(208): View more from Idaho

He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me

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(208): He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me http://tfl.nu/1pq8

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(703): View more from Virginia

It's like God shit irony all over that family

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(703): It's like God shit irony all over that family http://tfl.nu/i9ev

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(360): View more from Washington

I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.

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(360): I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster. http://tfl.nu/yojg

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(713): View more from Texas

Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.

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(713): Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake. http://tfl.nu/b27h

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(208): View more from Idaho

I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

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(208): I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants. http://tfl.nu/k57a

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(+44): You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you http://tfl.nu/o2s0

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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(217): I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college? http://tfl.nu/03bi

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.

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(920): I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either. http://tfl.nu/oep9

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(618): View more from Illinois

So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.

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(618): So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate. http://tfl.nu/opcy

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.

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(609): Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel. http://tfl.nu/x8kg

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

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(778): Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP. http://tfl.nu/dcb2

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(817): View more from Texas

And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword

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(817): And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword http://tfl.nu/z2rx

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(586): View more from Michigan

Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?

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(586): Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon? http://tfl.nu/3p6a

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(928): It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams". http://tfl.nu/l9ee

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(720): View more from Colorado

At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......

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(720): At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam....... http://tfl.nu/1do5

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