You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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