i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
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I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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