Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
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He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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