I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
that may or may not have been my penis.
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