Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
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And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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