I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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