my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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