Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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