so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize